Where's your hotshot?

Where is your hotshot at today? Is he missing anything special this week?

Mine is at the Beaver Creek Fire in Idaho. He isn't missing anything to special this week. He did miss a good chance of seeing our dog drag me across our concrete porch on my face last night. Just a little taste of the "single mom" life for me. 



 

Oscar's daddy don't go face

And So It Begins

Tis the season for my life to revolve around phone calls.  Today fire season has officially started up. For the next four months I will be gazing at the phone... waiting on a call.


The Dreadful Call~ This is the first type of phone call. The one that I know is coming but I always dread. This phone call is the infamous reason that we cannot make plans from August- November and February - May. Through many times of disappointment I have learned to not make plans of any kind during these times. If I could tell a new hotshot wife or girlfriend anything it would be to just not make any plans. The disappointment hurts terribly. Just plan on your guy not being around until the off season. Do not set yourself up for failure. Do not allow your plans to hang in the balance of the dreadful phone call. If my husband is at home my stomach always sinks every time his phone rings. As he answers the phone I am staring at him waiting to hear his response. If he is working at the base and he calls me...I answer with "Where are you going" and I dread the words "We are heading out". As soon as I know that he is leaving the calculations begin. I look at the calendar and count the number of days that he could possibly be gone. I look at the holidays, birthdays, weekends he will miss. I am always disappointed. The dreadful call is always so bitter sweet. Although I know that I have those phone calls and his traveling to thank for all the materialistic things that we have and I know that my husband is going to help people in need,  my stingy side wants to keep him here with me... just a little longer.

My Favorite Call~ Although I do not enjoy waiting all day to get a phone call from my husband, when I hear his voice it is all worthwhile. I love hearing from him when he is traveling. I love getting pictures of where he is. When I hear his voice or get a text message it gives me a moment's relief. I know that for that moment I can relax, because all is well. 

The Call We All Hope We Never Get~ Let's face it we have all thought about it. It is something that I do not like to think about, but unfortunately we have to. My heart is still heavy and always will be for the 19 families that had to endure this phone call just last month. I cannot imagine. It is a terrible feeling to have a weird number pop up on your caller ID when your husband is fighting a wild fire. My first thought is always "oh no what has happened." Thankfully it has always been some silly telemarketer. Another no good, awful feeling is not hearing from him for a long period of time and trying and trying to call him with no answer. These are the moments that we beg and plead with God to just let them be OK! I cannot imagine what this fearful phone call feels like and I hope I never know.

The next four months will be a stressful time in the Wilson household as it will many others. We will be a little on edge. I will probably be depressed for a few days and it will take some time for me to adjust. I may even shed a few tears. However; we will do it. We will battle through. We will divide and conquer. Because that is what we do. 

Happy fire season ladies!


Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
Isaiah 41:10,13

Granite Mountain Hotshots

I have been pondering on this terrible tragedy for days. I have wanted to write, but I just haven't been able to find the words.  I still cannot find the words to express my sympathy for the friends and family of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. I will never find the words...

Every time my husband leaves I have a fear inside of me that he will not come back. Every night since this tragedy I have laid in bed thinking of the women that this terrible fear has become a reality for. The connection that I have felt to these women that I have never met has been unbelievable. I just wish there was something that I could say or do. But I know that there is not.

I think back to every time that Chris has walked back in the door or I have picked him up at the base after being gone on a fire. I am so grateful. I am thankful for every single time and even if I never have anything else to be thankful for I know now that is enough.

I will be holding my husband a little tighter now. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort for the wives, children, parents, family, and friends of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. I will be thankful for every moment that God gives me with my husband and I will continue to be proud to be a hotshot wife.

"They loved what they did. These men worked together. They lived together, they fought fires together, and they died together doing what they loved." -Juliann Ashcraft (Granite Mountain Hotshot Wife)

 This is a link to some short bios of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. Take a moment to find out who they were:
 http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/07/02/us/firefighter-victims.html?_r=0

Tragedy

Pray for the wives, children, parents, family and friends of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. This is such an unbelievable tragedy.

Last Jump

Luke Sheehy was killed June 10th while doing what he loved, fighting forest fires.The 28 year old was a member of the Redding-based California Smokejumpers, firefighters who parachute into remote areas from airplanes. He was in Modoc County, Northern California, when part of a burning tree fell on him. This is always so hard to hear. It puts a lot of fear in my heart. Please remember his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

"An absolute monster on the fire ground." -Aaron Burrough (A good Friend of Luke's)

Puppy Love

If I can offer a small word of advice for anyone living with a traveling man it would be get a dog. When Chris and I first got married I had never lived alone. I had never even stayed alone except for maybe one night in my entire life. I knew it would be an adjustment for me. It was so hard for me at first. A few weeks after Chris and I got back from our honeymoon he had to go back to California for a month to finish up the apprenticeship program he was in. I hated being alone. I found myself just wanting to go home (to my parent's house) quiet often. So that's just what I did. After Chris got back from California the fire season was beginning. So he started to leave again. He went on several assignments for a few months. So at that point we had been married for around 4 months and hadn't spent very much time together.

I felt so depressed. I felt like I wasn't even married. It's not like I didn't know or understand that my husband would be gone all the time. Chris and I dated for over 3 years before we got married. He had done this job for more than 2 years. He had spent 6 months in California with me only seeing him 2 times on the weekend when we were dating. That is 4 days out of six months that I saw him. I knew how hard it would be! But, that didn't stop me from wishing that we had the typical marriage.

Then, in June of last year we visited an animal shelter. I fell in love with a puppy there. Chris and I discussed buying this dog but decided to get a husky. Chris owned a husky when he was young so he had always wanted to get another one.  As soon as we picked Oscar up from his previous owner we were in love with him. He was such a loving, beautiful pup.

Everyone knows that having a new puppy is not easy. Especially a puppy that grows big and strong pretty quickly. Oscar and I have had many struggles with each other and we have taught each other so much in the past year. I taught him to potty outside, sit, lay down, speak, and shake hands. But what is most important is what he has taught me as time has passed. The most important of the lessons is to be content with being alone. He was there with me every day and every night through the past year. He slept with me, he went places with me, he acknowledged me when I spoke to him, and he licked the tears from my face. He has been my best friend. He gave me the love, comfort, and companionship that I had been missing.

He also has taught me to relax and not sweat the small stuff. He has really prepared me for having a child. I have learned not to worry so much after he has made a mess. I have rolled around in the dirt with him. I have broke my back giving him a bath and spent hours cleaning up dog food after he flung it around the kitchen.I have worried over him having a belly ache or a small cut. I have been offended when people judge him by his appearance and I have even threatened to confront people that have treated him wrong.

This dog is my family. He is my boy. I love him with all of my heart. I am his and he is mine. There are times in my life where he is there for me in ways that other people cannot be. When I look into his eyes I know that he has unconditional love for me. Even when I least deserve it he still loves me. I feel that people that have not felt the love and companionship of a dog are truly missing out on one of God's many blessings. 


"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

1 Year Old

Priceless

"Don't think of cost. Think of value."

Often times I find myself  evaluating and logging in my brain the cost of everything. With Chris being gone a lot I am the financial guru of our family. I find myself making spread sheets and monitoring numbers on a daily basis. As many of you know it is very hard to be the person in charge. Sometimes financial choices have to be made and as a hotshot wife we have to make them. ALONE. It takes a strong, confident person to make hard choices alone.  

We have recently started to build our home together. It is almost complete and we are so excited to move in. Even amidst all of the excitement I find myself having a small anxiety attack over costs. When you get through such a huge project, the end is where the bills start to freak you out a little. Being the person that handles all of our finances, I feel like I am the sole person in charge. I am the one that needs to keep us on budget. At times it is very stressful.

We are getting close to closing on our loan and paying off all of our small debts we have collected along the way. We have been trying to watch our money but still fill our home with things that we will need. I have been monitoring numbers like a crazy woman. The only thing I have been able to think about is money.

Then, today I came across this quote. "Don't think of cost. Think of value." It was so simple that I could have easily overlooked it. Thankfully I didn't, because it allowed me to reevaluate my thought process. I began to change my thinking from what we owe to the value of what we have. I cannot even begin to explain the value of my home. I started picturing the unfinished rooms. I pictured a Christmas tree with our future children opening presents, a dining room table full of family, cook outs in the back yard with our friends, a first birthday party, Chris walking through the front door after being gone on a long assignment, Oscar and I piled up on the couch together.

Then, I began to realize that the value of our home out weighs the cost. It is worth every penny being spent. For years we will be able to enjoy our home with our family, friends and co workers. It is a place that I want everyone to feel welcome. It is a place that we can laugh, cry, pray, have new experiences, and grow old together. To me that is priceless. I may spend the next thirty years paying off a loan but my children will have a home that they will grow up in. I am so thankful for our many blessings. I am so blessed to have a beautiful home to share.

I am no Cinderella

It is Chris' off season and our summer together has begun. I couldn't be more excited! We started off with a Memorial Day trip together to Lido beach. It was amazing. We got sun burned and of course ate way to much. The greatest quote from the entire trip was from my one of a kind husband... "Hold on a minute while I change into something more appropriate for a pregnant woman." We always eat to much on our trips together. It is just what we do. On our honeymoon, January 2012, we both gained 7 lbs! It was terrible. Every time we get back from a vacation we begin watching what we eat trying lose what we have gained, only to gain it back again on our next expedition.

The most wonderful feeling in the world has to be when I know Chris isn't leaving for a while. It is amazing. I am often envious of the women who know their husbands are coming home every night. I wonder how that must feel. I can't imagine never worrying about rather or not to lay anything out for dinner or buying to many groceries at the store that will just spoil because Chris goes off to fire for two weeks. Even the small things like not getting to make dinner for my husband after planning to are sometimes just devastating to me. But, for now it is my turn to be content. I don't need to worry! Because the season is through. He is MINE ALL MINE... for a little while at least.

Although my main complaint (as you know) is always about my husband being gone life isn't always sunshine and rainbows when he is home. It is an adjustment for sure. We have both grown accustom to living our own lives. I have grown content during the fire season with sleeping in my big, white, fluffy, king size bed with my Oscar (husky dog). Then hubby comes home and crowds Oscar and I in the bed. We can barely move! On the other hand Chris has grown accustom to acting like a mountain man. He is spitting, chewing, and occasionally stinky. He also enjoys partaking in what I, with an early childhood education degree, like to call potty talk. I am probably not as excited as his road wives are about having full conversations based on poop.

Another thing that I struggle with is expectations. My expectations of my husband rise tremendously when he has time off. I want him to be everything. He should be a house maid, a lover, a cook, a chauffeur and a best friend for me. Considering he is gone and misses so much of our life he should have to do all of this for me in the short period of time that he is home, right?

I feel like Disney truly did ruin our expectations of men. It also doesn't help when I see people on Facebook claiming to be married to Prince Charming. First of all Prince Charming does not exist. No one can be perfect all of the time. We all get annoyed. I know that I am no Cinderella. As much as I would like to, I do not have fair flawless skin, beautiful blonde wavy hair, and a 18" waist. I also do not have time to go around singing and dancing all day. So why do we expect men to be so dreamy? As women we need to get real. We can't lie to one another about how glorious our husbands are all the time. Do not get me wrong I love to brag about my husband, but our relationship is not shear perfection.

Men are not women. They will never think on our level. End of story. Sometimes I get so aggravated because my husband doesn't just look around the house and see what needs to be done. I mean I can do it, why can't he? Well the answer to that questions is that he is not me. We think differently and that is ok. Chris may not notice everything that I do, but he is a great man. I know he loves me. Not because he acts glorious and wonderful 24/7 but because he is genuinely great. He does what he can for me and I do what I can for him.

So, I am challenging myself to begin focusing on the good that my husband does and to not focus on what he does not do. To remember what is most important and what is not important. To lower my expectations a little and remember that I am no Cinderella. To pray for our relationship and our future children. To hope that I can someday raise a boy that loves the Lord, respects his wife, and has a fighters heart just as my husband does. And to occasionally pretend to listen to potty talk without complaining.

Breakfast at Lido Beach

Me and Oscar

"I may sound old-fashioned, but I want to think all women should be treated like I want my wife, daughters, and granddaughters to be treated. I notice today that good manners—like standing up when a woman enters the room, helping a woman with her coat, letting her enter an elevator first, taking her arm to cross the street—are sometimes considered unnecessary or a throwback. These are habits I could never break, nor would I want to. I realize today a lot more women are taking care of themselves than in the past, but no woman is offended by politeness."
-Frank Sinatra

Accepting Loneliness

Let’s complain a little shall we…

Chris loves to travel. And I truly love that he loves his job. However; at times it is hard to be in love with a traveling man. 

These are my confessions: 

I am jealous- I want to go on road trips across the country with my buddies! I have this deep belief that it is so much easier to be the one leaving than the one left behind. He gets to go places, see things, be with his friends and I am left here to continue running our lives... ALONE. I often forget that the reality is it is not all fun and games. He works way harder than I ever could or would ever wish to.

I am a worry wart- I continuously worry about Chris driving, going out on a fire, cutting trees, etc. It doesn’t help that he usually doesn’t have cell phone service for hours considering he does this stuff in the middle of nowhere.  

I need a plan- The crew usually makes plans THEN they change. We never ever know what is going to happen. I usually never know where my husband is sleeping at night until he is there going to sleep. This completely goes against my personality. It is hard for me. It is hard to deal with the disappointments when you expect something to happen then it doesn’t and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it.

I love that my husband has an awesome job that he enjoys. It has allowed us so much financial freedom. It is also helping us build our home. We are both extremely thankful.  But...I think I am allowed to dislike it sometimes too. Sometimes I see Smokey Bear posters or billboards and I just want to punch him in the face. I get lonely. It’s terrible loneliness.  I am not talking about the sitting at home crying and pouting because I miss him lonely. Ok, so sometimes I do that too, but I am also talking about missing my partner in life.

I personally have different types of loneliness. At times I am just angry and quite frankly need some help taking care of business. I need someone to carry some of my weight for a while. I need him to be here to help me with the bills, the groceries, the house, the dog, ya know just everyday things. Occasionally it all becomes overwhelming. Then there are some nights I just want to go out and get ice cream. But, I can’t just go alone. That’s boring. No one wants to eat ice cream alone.

Funny Story: One night I got home from having a hard day at work. Chris was gone (as usual), the house was dirty, the sink I ordered for the new house had been back ordered yet again and my dog’s shedding was out of control. As I ran around in the bathroom trying to brush the dog that hates to be brushed I got a glance of the bath tub. It was devastating.  It was so filthy that I began to cry. So there I sat crying over my dirty bath tub. My dog was looking at me like I had lost my mind. I started thinking maybe I had lost my mind. I mean who cries over a dirty bath tub?  It’s the small things that finally get to me. After weeks and weeks of being tough and trying to make it through, just until Chris can get home, something will happen like a dirty bath tub and it will just kick my butt.

In my mind I always pictured marriage as two people who live together, sleep together, take turns changing the trash, have dinner after work, and wake up together on Saturday mornings. Needless to say I have had to adjust my definition of marriage. Our marriage is not always a fairy tale. Everything in our life is not always perfect or easy. But easy is just plain boring. I have come to the conclusion that although I do have a mental break down now and then I am ok. I can do this! I have also decided that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder and that things do not always need to be PERFECT. Do not let other people fool you their marriage is not perfect either. It is ok for me to accept loneliness for the time being and just look forward to my husband coming home. Although this lifestyle is not typical we make it through. I am so proud of my husband. We LOVE the time we have together. This job has taught us to never take our time together for granted like so many couples do. Being a hotshot wife is not for the faint of heart. It is a hard job, but someone has to do it.

  

"If you work with God and keep a willing attitude, then no matter what comes against you, the word of God says that all things – not just the good things in life, but all things – work together for your good.”

 

Bropunzel

                                      This would be my husband's dream come true.

Not Your Average Firefighter

Lets talk about the hubs. Sooooo many times in the past few years I have been asked what exactly my husband does for a living. Understandably our family and friends are curious as to why he is never around. I always explain to them that he is a Cherokee Hotshot or a Wildland Firefighter for the United States Forest Service. Some of my favorite responses to this explanation are:

• Why doesn't he just work at the fire station?
• How do you deal with him being gone all the time?
• Well that's a great way to start a marriage.
• How will you ever raise children in that environment?
• So he jumps out of planes! 
• What do you do when he is gone?
• Don't you get lonely?

Or the forever infamous...

• A hotshot....WHAT?

The truth is I don't always know the answers to these questions. Chris and I have been married a little over a year and I still don't know how we make a marriage work. Does anyone, anywhere truly know the answer to how a marriage works? Also, I don't know how it will work when we have kids. I don't think their is a book I can read for that. We will just do the best we can do. Sometimes I am outraged by the things people say to me. No one would ever ask a Soldier's wife how she plans to make her marriage work and how in the world she will raise kids with her husband gone all the time. I am in no way comparing what my husband does to the work of a Soldier but what I am saying is that their is a lack of respect for the wildland firefighters and their families. I am proud of my husband. He puts in long hours and a lot of hard work. I hope through this blog my family and friends can begin to understand what my husband does. I hope that other hotshot wives can help me answer these questions that I do not know the answers to. Most of all I hope that we can all, through our unique life experiences, figure this way of life out together.

The very first question that I think needs to be answered is:

• A hotshot....WHAT?

I totally get why most people in East Tennessee do not understand what this word means. Most of the big wildfires happen out west. We do not have a lot of wildland firefighters in this area. So here we go...

This is how wikipedia describes my husband:

 

 "In the United States, an interagency hotshot crew (IHC), or simply hotshot crew, is a Type 1^{[1][nb 1]} handcrew of 20 firefighters specially trained in wildfire suppression tactics.^[4] Hotshot crews are considered an elite group among wildland firefighters, due to their extensive training, high physical fitness standards, and ability to undertake difficult, dangerous, and stressful assignments.^[5] They often respond to large, high-priority fires and are trained and equipped to work in remote areas for extended periods of time with little logistical support.
As an interagency resource, hotshot crews can be requested to respond to wildland fire incidents in any jurisdiction. As of 2009, there are 107 IHCs in operation in the United States, organized by diverse agencies such as the United States Forest Service, National Park Service, Bureau of Indian Affairs, Bureau of Land Management, as well as state, county, and city governments."

 

You see...my husband is in an elite group of individuals. Impressive, I know. He didn't just walk into the Cherokee Hotshot office and walk out with a job. He put in a lot of training. We were apart for nearly a year while he participated in the Wildland Fire Apprenticeship Program in California.  Did I already say I was proud of him? He loves his job and I love that he has a passion for what he does.

 

This is what I already know...Being a hotshot is not just a job. It is a way of life. We love our life. We are thankful for our life. The rest we will figure out along the way.

 

                                           This one belongs to me - Chris in Idaho last fire season

 

                                           Cherokee Hotshots -  Fine bunch of burly men