Love & Fire

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great." ~ Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

I'm sorry I have been absent from writing lately. I have been in a pickle with life in general, facing imperfections… it has nothing to do with the hotshot life and nothing to do with our relationship. But, as I have dealt with this obstacle we have faced I have been pondering on and praying about the imperfections in our lives and why things don’t always go OUR way.  

Here is our story (as some of you all already know):

Chris and I started dating “officially” (after he begged) in July 2008. Sometime in February 2010 he made his first move to Raleigh. Long story short…he has lived in and traveled to more places, more days than I could ever count. It has hurt. From the moments of wondering why we can’t just live like everyone else, to wondering why we chose this, to wondering if he is even alive after not talking to him for a while. This weird relationship that we have has hurt my heart. It has forced me into living in a way that I don’t want to live (my current circumstance has also). I may have been (and still may be) out of my comfort zone but is has strengthened me as an individual while also strengthening our relationship with each other and God. Mine and my husband's relationship has been tried and tested more so than most people’s relationships ever will be. We have succeeded and came out on the other side of these trials so many times. Although we have been successful this far please understand that we haven't yet won the battle but one thing is for certain we are in this fight together for life. I feel like we have a better understanding of the love that we have for one another simply because our circumstances have forced us to develop that understanding.

After struggling a bit lately I have come to the conclusion through studying and prayer that imperfections are beautiful.  And that imperfections may not even be imperfections at all because they are all part of God's perfect plan for your life and for mine. I am beginning to realize how being head over heals in love with a man who is gone more than he is home has prepared me for the other many hurdles that we are bound to face in life. For that I am thankful. Things not always being the way we think they should be can actually turn out to be a great gift. Our unanswered prayers are all a part of God's plan. I feel incredibly blessed that God has given me this understanding of love and the understanding that these things we call imperfections are blessings in disguise. I am so thankful that my love for my husband has grown stronger and our trust in God has grown even stronger.  I am so HAPPY to know that  God has control over our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly. He has it all. 

 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

James 1:17 

 

Where's your hotshot?

Where is your hotshot at today? Is he missing anything special this week?

Mine is at the Beaver Creek Fire in Idaho. He isn't missing anything to special this week. He did miss a good chance of seeing our dog drag me across our concrete porch on my face last night. Just a little taste of the "single mom" life for me. 



 

Oscar's daddy don't go face

And So It Begins

Tis the season for my life to revolve around phone calls.  Today fire season has officially started up. For the next four months I will be gazing at the phone... waiting on a call.


The Dreadful Call~ This is the first type of phone call. The one that I know is coming but I always dread. This phone call is the infamous reason that we cannot make plans from August- November and February - May. Through many times of disappointment I have learned to not make plans of any kind during these times. If I could tell a new hotshot wife or girlfriend anything it would be to just not make any plans. The disappointment hurts terribly. Just plan on your guy not being around until the off season. Do not set yourself up for failure. Do not allow your plans to hang in the balance of the dreadful phone call. If my husband is at home my stomach always sinks every time his phone rings. As he answers the phone I am staring at him waiting to hear his response. If he is working at the base and he calls me...I answer with "Where are you going" and I dread the words "We are heading out". As soon as I know that he is leaving the calculations begin. I look at the calendar and count the number of days that he could possibly be gone. I look at the holidays, birthdays, weekends he will miss. I am always disappointed. The dreadful call is always so bitter sweet. Although I know that I have those phone calls and his traveling to thank for all the materialistic things that we have and I know that my husband is going to help people in need,  my stingy side wants to keep him here with me... just a little longer.

My Favorite Call~ Although I do not enjoy waiting all day to get a phone call from my husband, when I hear his voice it is all worthwhile. I love hearing from him when he is traveling. I love getting pictures of where he is. When I hear his voice or get a text message it gives me a moment's relief. I know that for that moment I can relax, because all is well. 

The Call We All Hope We Never Get~ Let's face it we have all thought about it. It is something that I do not like to think about, but unfortunately we have to. My heart is still heavy and always will be for the 19 families that had to endure this phone call just last month. I cannot imagine. It is a terrible feeling to have a weird number pop up on your caller ID when your husband is fighting a wild fire. My first thought is always "oh no what has happened." Thankfully it has always been some silly telemarketer. Another no good, awful feeling is not hearing from him for a long period of time and trying and trying to call him with no answer. These are the moments that we beg and plead with God to just let them be OK! I cannot imagine what this fearful phone call feels like and I hope I never know.

The next four months will be a stressful time in the Wilson household as it will many others. We will be a little on edge. I will probably be depressed for a few days and it will take some time for me to adjust. I may even shed a few tears. However; we will do it. We will battle through. We will divide and conquer. Because that is what we do. 

Happy fire season ladies!


Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
Isaiah 41:10,13

Granite Mountain Hotshots

I have been pondering on this terrible tragedy for days. I have wanted to write, but I just haven't been able to find the words.  I still cannot find the words to express my sympathy for the friends and family of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. I will never find the words...

Every time my husband leaves I have a fear inside of me that he will not come back. Every night since this tragedy I have laid in bed thinking of the women that this terrible fear has become a reality for. The connection that I have felt to these women that I have never met has been unbelievable. I just wish there was something that I could say or do. But I know that there is not.

I think back to every time that Chris has walked back in the door or I have picked him up at the base after being gone on a fire. I am so grateful. I am thankful for every single time and even if I never have anything else to be thankful for I know now that is enough.

I will be holding my husband a little tighter now. I will continue to pray for peace and comfort for the wives, children, parents, family, and friends of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. I will be thankful for every moment that God gives me with my husband and I will continue to be proud to be a hotshot wife.

"They loved what they did. These men worked together. They lived together, they fought fires together, and they died together doing what they loved." -Juliann Ashcraft (Granite Mountain Hotshot Wife)

 This is a link to some short bios of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. Take a moment to find out who they were:
 http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/07/02/us/firefighter-victims.html?_r=0

Tragedy

Pray for the wives, children, parents, family and friends of the Granite Mountain Hotshots. This is such an unbelievable tragedy.

Last Jump

Luke Sheehy was killed June 10th while doing what he loved, fighting forest fires.The 28 year old was a member of the Redding-based California Smokejumpers, firefighters who parachute into remote areas from airplanes. He was in Modoc County, Northern California, when part of a burning tree fell on him. This is always so hard to hear. It puts a lot of fear in my heart. Please remember his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

"An absolute monster on the fire ground." -Aaron Burrough (A good Friend of Luke's)

Puppy Love

If I can offer a small word of advice for anyone living with a traveling man it would be get a dog. When Chris and I first got married I had never lived alone. I had never even stayed alone except for maybe one night in my entire life. I knew it would be an adjustment for me. It was so hard for me at first. A few weeks after Chris and I got back from our honeymoon he had to go back to California for a month to finish up the apprenticeship program he was in. I hated being alone. I found myself just wanting to go home (to my parent's house) quiet often. So that's just what I did. After Chris got back from California the fire season was beginning. So he started to leave again. He went on several assignments for a few months. So at that point we had been married for around 4 months and hadn't spent very much time together.

I felt so depressed. I felt like I wasn't even married. It's not like I didn't know or understand that my husband would be gone all the time. Chris and I dated for over 3 years before we got married. He had done this job for more than 2 years. He had spent 6 months in California with me only seeing him 2 times on the weekend when we were dating. That is 4 days out of six months that I saw him. I knew how hard it would be! But, that didn't stop me from wishing that we had the typical marriage.

Then, in June of last year we visited an animal shelter. I fell in love with a puppy there. Chris and I discussed buying this dog but decided to get a husky. Chris owned a husky when he was young so he had always wanted to get another one.  As soon as we picked Oscar up from his previous owner we were in love with him. He was such a loving, beautiful pup.

Everyone knows that having a new puppy is not easy. Especially a puppy that grows big and strong pretty quickly. Oscar and I have had many struggles with each other and we have taught each other so much in the past year. I taught him to potty outside, sit, lay down, speak, and shake hands. But what is most important is what he has taught me as time has passed. The most important of the lessons is to be content with being alone. He was there with me every day and every night through the past year. He slept with me, he went places with me, he acknowledged me when I spoke to him, and he licked the tears from my face. He has been my best friend. He gave me the love, comfort, and companionship that I had been missing.

He also has taught me to relax and not sweat the small stuff. He has really prepared me for having a child. I have learned not to worry so much after he has made a mess. I have rolled around in the dirt with him. I have broke my back giving him a bath and spent hours cleaning up dog food after he flung it around the kitchen.I have worried over him having a belly ache or a small cut. I have been offended when people judge him by his appearance and I have even threatened to confront people that have treated him wrong.

This dog is my family. He is my boy. I love him with all of my heart. I am his and he is mine. There are times in my life where he is there for me in ways that other people cannot be. When I look into his eyes I know that he has unconditional love for me. Even when I least deserve it he still loves me. I feel that people that have not felt the love and companionship of a dog are truly missing out on one of God's many blessings. 


"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

1 Year Old